PETER
I just quit Lois. I caught a huge
break. I'm going to be a TV
writer!
BRIAN
Oh really? And what network would
be boneheaded enough to offer you a
job writing. You don't even have a
script.
PETER
What are you talking about Brian? I
write scripts all the time.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
2 -
Unconventional Therapy
INT. PSYCHIATRY PRACTICE
Dr. Peter, the psychiatrist sits and listens to a patient
sob.
PATIENT
(paranoid) *
Sometimes the voices...I think they
must be real!
Peter jots something on his prescription pad and tears it
off.
DR. PETER
Take this and call me in the
morning.
The patient takes and looks at the note.
PATIENT
This is just directions to a sex
toy shop.
DR. PETER
Like I said...call me in the
morning.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
3 -
Peter's Comedic Conundrum
INT. GRIFFEN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
PETER
Also that chance you just gave me
to kick Fox in the nuts over it's
hilarious track record of failed
television production ventures is
going to go unreturned. We have a
new writer on this episode and he
doesn't think it's wise to bite the
hand that feeds you. I know that's
not very funny but he wants to come
off smart but also sort of a gen z
type nonsense kind of vibe.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
4 -
Writing Aspirations and Boastful Earnings
INT. NOAH THE NEW WRITER'S APARTMENT
NOAH (32), white, red/brown hair, sits in a tidy apartment,
typing at a desk. He types the last line ''Gen Z nonsense
kind of vibe''.
Satisfied, Noah turns to a check list labeled 'family guy
spec to-do list'
He checks off 'Break the fourth wall' on a list of three
items. The other two items say '29 pages of straight, white-
male centric humor' and 'Meet Seth McFarlane.'
NOAH
All in a days work.
INT. GRIFFEN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Lois continues:
LOIS
When do you start writing? What's
the pay?
PETER
Well it starts next week. And in
the first 6 weeks I'll earn just
under 16 million dollars.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
5 -
Peter's Reluctant Start at Fox Studios
EXT. FOX LOT - PETER'S FIRST DAY OF WORK
Peter pulls onto the lot of Fox Studios.
A goofy, friendly man, SAL, greets him.
SAL
Hey there. Holy cow. It's Peter
Griffin. What are you doing here?
PETER
Well we shoot family guy here 5
days a week but today I'm here to
write for 'half in love with
death', Fox's new drama about a
demi-sexual man with a split
personality who is really a
vampire.
SAL
Surely I can help you with that.
Here's your pass.
He gives Peter his parking pass.
SAL (CONT'D)
Have a good day. Remember, I'm
Sal.
PETER
Yeah you mentioned that.
Peter pulls forward and parks. Another car parks next to
him. Out of it comes MATT the showrunner, Male, 40's.
Peter exits his car and they greet.
MATT
Hey Peter, I'm Matt, the
showrunner.
PETER
Hey Matt what's up with that
security guard at the gate?
MATT
We can't legally fire someone we
didn't know was autistic when we
hired them. But he's Sal and that's
all you really need to know.
Listen Peter, I'm glad I ran into
you, I've been watching family guy
for years and I think you've got a
special mind. I want you to work
closely with me this year on the
season one story arc.
PETER
Ah, you know Matt that's really
nice of you to offer but I was
(MORE)
PETER (CONT'D)
really planning on just coasting
this season on account of the uh...
MATT
The what, Peter?
PETER
Uh...the celebrity? I'm Peter
Griffin. I've made more money for
fox then computers made for Steve
Jobs.
Genres:
["Comedy","Satire","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
6 -
Final Moments
INT. JOBS' MANSION
Steve Jobs is on his death bed. His wife grieves at his
side.
WIFE
Oh Steve. Don't leave us. What
about our children?
STEVE JOBS
(unperturbed. Matter
of fact)
You mean our daughters? They'll be
fine. Make sure the next Iphone
has bluetooth capability.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
7 -
The Final Draft
EXT. FOX LOT - CONTINUED
Peter and Matt continue their conversation:
PETER
I can do whatever I want. I don't
have to build your story arc. I
can just sit here and get a fat pay
check, can't I?
MATT
Oh. Well no. And you're fired.
PETER
Fired? But what about the script I
wrote?
MATT
I think we both know that script
was a set-up for a gag and not an
actual script. I'm sorry Peter, but
I can't tolerate that kind of
attitude or work ethic in my
writer's room.
He exits. Then returns.
MATT (CONT'D)
Sal likes it if you at least wave
on the way out.
He exits. Then returns again.
MATT (CONT'D)
If you've ever worked for Fox this
whole Sal situation might make a
little too much sense for your
comfort.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
8 -
Creative Frustrations
INT. GRIFFEN HOUSE - KITCHEN
Peter eats breakfast. Brian reads the newspaper. Stewie
eats breakfast.
PETER
I can't believe that Matt guy
wanted me to pull my own weight.
20 years in this business. Gets
you no respect.
BRIAN
You could have at least tried.
Season story arc development would
have been incredibly interesting.
Besides, I would kill to write for
Fox.
PETER
You're just saying that because the
best you can do is CBS.
CUT TO:
INT. A FAMILY'S LIVING ROOM
The family sits and watches TV.
ON TV: 'CBS'
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We now return to your CBS original
program. CBS. The worst station.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Satire"]
Ratings
Scene
9 -
A Moment of Truth
INT. GRIFFEN HOUSE - KITCHEN
Brian snorts.
BRIAN
Take your shots, Peter.
(MORE)
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Sooner or later you're going to
have to face the fact that-
He stops abruptly.
PETER
That what, Brian?
BRIAN
Never mind. I don't want to say
anything hurtful.
Stewie pipes up from his breakfast.
STEWIE
Oh. Oh. Say it. Say it.
PETER
Oh come on. Tell me.
STEWIE
Say it. Say it. Oh. Oh.
BRIAN
Fine. Peter...
A loud crescendo.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
You're a failure.
An orchestral screech.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Your father said it on his dying
bed and it's what everyone knows
you as. You're a failure. There
I've said it.
A solitary tear wells up in Peter's eye.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Oh you see this is why I didn't
want to say anything.
PETER
No, Brian. I think it's a good
thing.
Dramatic music.
PETER (CONT'D)
There's no reason to avoid
confronting it any longer. I am a
failure.
Dramatic music crescendos.
PETER (CONT'D)
How many times have I been
negligent to what really matters in
this world. My family. My
friends. My remembrance. No more.
From now on, you're going to see a
better man, as a father, as a
husband, as an employee, a
christian, you know, a - family
guy.
He winks.
PETER (CONT'D)
We'll be right back.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
10 -
Puppy Love and Playful Parenting
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE - MEG'S ROOM
Chris enters Meg's room.
CHRIS
Did you hear about the new Dad?
MEG
No Chris and I want no part of it.
CHRIS
Well as you might extrapolate
things with Dad aren't usually so
simple.
MEG
What do you mean?
CHRIS
He's taking life seriously and he
wants to be a good father to us for
once. Just thought I'd warn you.
Peter enters.
He pauses and puts a hand to his chest in breathless awe.
PETER
Wow. It's my two greatest
creations.
MEG
You have three kids.
PETER
I think we all know a football
shaped head is way worse than
either of you.
He calls to Lois in the other room.
PETER (CONT'D)
Lois! Bring in the goods.
Lois wheels in a cart of play-stations and other video game
consoles, speakers and musical equipment, movies, books.
PETER (CONT'D)
And. And.
An adorable little puppy runs in.
MEG
Oh my gosh. It's the puppy I
always wanted. You're not going to
talk to me like a condecending jerk-
off, are you?
The puppy laps Meg in love. It meekly yips:
PUPPY
Shut up Meg.
PETER
Now I know what you're going to say
next. Yes there's a roller coaster
in the works between me, Joe and
Quagmire's houses. For some reason
Cleveland wants no part of it.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Family","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
11 -
Cleveland's Roller Coaster Catastrophe
EXT. SPOONER STREET
A roller coaster that roams amongst the guys houses and most
of spooner street carries Peter and Quagmire.
The roller coaster crashes through Cleveland's house and
leaves Cleveland naked in the bathtub, on a slipping floor-
bed.
CLEVELAND
No, no, no, no no!
He crashes to the ground.
CLEVELAND (CONT'D)
This bit is honestly not as painful
as the episode where my wife
cheated with Quagmire.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
12 -
A Commitment to Change
INT. PETER'S OFFICE - BREWERY - MORNING
Peter sits diligently typing an expense report. Preston
enters.
PRESTON
Good morning, Peter. You're here
early. Is that the expense report
you're working on? That isn't due
until next week.
PETER
Preston, there's something I want
to say. I was wrong to come to
work only to be a lazy bum all
these years. I've decided to
change. For the better.
PRESTON
I guess that's all for the best.
Does this mean you're going to
start flushing your number twos
from now on? You know it stinks
for a week when you do that.
PETER
I'm going to do that and so much
more.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
13 -
A Friendly Shine
INT. SHOE SHINE
Preston gets his shoes shined by Peter.
PETER
I'll shine your shoes.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - BUS STATION
Peter hails a cab for Preston.
PETER
I'll hail your cab.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
14 -
A Brush with Gratitude
INT. PRESTON'S BATHROOM
Peter brushes Preston's teeth.
PETER
I'll brush your teeth.
INT. BREWERY - OFFICE
Peter and Preston continue:
PRESTON
That's fine Peter. I'm just glad
to have you on board like this. As
someone who has sought to have a
positive influence on you this is
deeply gratifying. Like the time I
won the superbowl for the New York
Giants.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
15 -
The Winning Play
INT. FOOTBALL STADIUM - SUPERBOWL
Preston walks dramatically to the huddle and takes a knee.
In the huddle:
PRESTON
Here it is men, the play that's
going to win us the superbowl.
Preston, in slow motion, steps under center. Preston looks
left, right.
PRESTON (CONT'D)
Hut hut!
The snap comes. Preston steps back and surveys the field.
He finds an open receiver running free down the sideline and
lets the ball fly.
The ball is caught on the run for a touchdown. The clock
hits 0 and the scoreboard shows NY 27, NE 24.
Preston raises a solitary finger to the sky. He is
smothered by teammates.
MALE NARRATOR
Due to his involvement in
professional football, Preston
would die a slow, painful death of
incurable brain disease several
years later. But the memories of
that day, would live forever.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Sports"]
Ratings
Scene
16 -
Morning Musings on Success
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
Brian sips coffee. Stewie eats toast.
BRIAN
I still don't understand how Peter
got a TV Writing job. That's
always been a dream of mine.
STEWIE
Maybe the market isn't as
competetive as it typically is.
The only way Peter got that blasted
job-
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
17 -
Reviving Characters and New Scripts
INT. NOAH THE NEW WRITER'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Noah types the words 'blasted job'.
NOAH
I'm bringing back Stewie's blasted
thing.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Stewie Continues:
STEWIE
Is because of his 20+ years on TV.
We're all on the same show.
BRIAN
Actually that adds up pretty well
with what I've been reading in the
trades.
STEWIE
You do not read the trades.
BRIAN
I gander from time to time.
STEWIE
No, Brian. No.
BRIAN
Fine I just google stuff. But I do
have a script I wrote last season.
(MORE)
BRIAN (CONT'D)
It's a drama, a beautiful script
set in early 20th century Asia
about a wise warrior who soujourns
across a whole continent to rectify
an old dispute between families.
STEWIE
That could work. You know I have
a contact over at Fox who owes me a
solid. I used to tutor him at the
Quahog autism public outreach
program and I'd sneak him all kinds
of snacks and things.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
18 -
Ramen for a Script
EXT. FOX LOT - ENTRANCE
Stewie and Brian talk to Sal at the Studio Entrance.
STEWIE
So what do you say Sal, get my guys
script in the hands of an
executive?
SAL
You bet Stewie! Did you bring my
ramen?
STEWIE
What do you think?
Stewie pulls out a package of ramen.
SAL
Chile flavored? Wow
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
19 -
The Fourth Wall
INT. DRUNKEN CLAM - LATER
Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland sit at a booth. Peter
approaches with a tray of drinks.
PETER
Drinks on me.
JOE
Wow. Thanks Peter. What's the
occasion?
PETER
The occasion, Joe, is four best
friends living the best days of
their lives. Together.
CLEVELAND
I heard about your awakening Peter.
And I must say, it is about time.
QUAGMIRE
I'm sorry. Awakening?
CLEVELAND
Peter's resolved to start taking
life seriously.
PETER
Here's the bottom line. I love you
guys. But what is love if it is
not expressed.
JOE
That's beautiful Peter. As a
predominant absorber of your
systematic abuses I appreciate you
taking a step back to reflect.
PETER
There's more.
Peter pulls out plane tickets.
PETER (CONT'D)
I got us all tickets to an all-
inclusive resort and spa in Mexico.
QUAGMIRE
Okay. I'll buy in. On one
condition.
PETER
Go ahead.
QUAGMIRE
The title of this episode has to
include me.
PETER
Best I can do is subtitle.
Quagmire thinks.
QUAGMIRE
'Quagmire Rules.'
PETER
'The Fourth Wall' is the current
title. So that would be 'The
Fourth Wall - Quagmire Rules'. No
that's weird.
CLEVELAND
How about 'Quagmire rules and Peter
faces the music'?
QUAGMIRE
Eh. Better.
JOE
I've got it. 'Peter rules and
Quagmire named this episode.'
Outrageous scoffing, echoes of 'no, no'.
PETER
You know what? No. The episode is
called 'The Fourth Wall' and that's
how it's going to stay.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
20 -
A Frightened Goodnight
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Peter tucks in a small boy for bed.
PETER
And that son, is where TV episode
titles come from.
He kisses the small, terrified, boy on the forehead.
BOY
(scared)
Where are my parents?
PETER
I have no idea. Night.
Peter exits and flips the light off.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
21 -
Unexpected Violence at the Airport
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
The guys sit at a gate preparing to board for Mexico.
PETER
So Quagmire, how's your sex
addiction?
QUAGMIRE
What the hell kind of a question is
that? How's your weight?
PETER
Don't get offended. I was just
trying to share in your interests.
QUAGMIRE
(offended)
My sex addiction is not an interest
Peter. It's an addiction. Probably
one of the worst you can have.
Makes me hate myself and exposes me
to a myriad of potentially deadly
diseases. God I thought this
episode was about you not being a
asshole for once.
Cleveland gruffly smashes a brick into Quagmire's face.
Quagmire crumples and sputters on the ground.
CLEVELAND
You can call a spec script 'The
Fourth Wall', but people will still
feel what people will feel.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
22 -
Sky Diving Shenanigans
EXT. MEXICO - RESORT - POOLSIDE
The guys tan next to a partially occupied pool area.
PETER
Okay guys now we're here for 3 days
and I have a special day planned
for each of you. Joe, your day is
first on account of my abuses to
you have been the most severe.
JOE
I think that sounds fair. What do
you have planned?
PETER
Well today's a little shorter so I
thought we'd do something extra
special. You know those sky diving
simulators? I thought we could go
to one of those. You can't walk,
Joe. But you can fly.
JOE
It sounds fun Peter, but I'm pretty
sure it won't work with no legs.
PETER
Sure it will, you'll just be
straight down in a constant nose
dive.
INT. SKY DIVING SIMULATOR
Joe bounces on his head on the ground where the fan creates
upwards propulsion.
JOE
I've been like this for two minutes
but haven't said stop because I
pood and I want to play it off as
an accident at the very end.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
23 -
Temptation at the Resort
EXT. MEXICO - RESORT
Joe continues:
JOE
Sorry Peter it's a no go for me.
PETER
Alright I planned for you saying
that so alternatively there's a
hooker, a kilo of blow, 900 dollars
cash and a video camera in room 210
at our hotel. Here's the room key.
Bonnie cheats on you like crazy.
Go nuts.
Peter pulls out a room key.
JOE
Okay.
Joe takes the card.
JOE (CONT'D)
What will you do while I'm gone?
Isn't this day supposed to be about
us?
PETER
It's about your happiness Joe.
Meet me at the hotel bar when
you're done and we'll find
somewhere to go to dinner. But
please shower before you do. I met
the hooker and uh...wow, how do I
say this? 'Puerto Rican Princess',
may have been a bit of an oversell.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
24 -
A Relaxed Evening with a Provocative Proposal
INT. RESORT BAR/RESTAURANT - NIGHT
A very relaxed Joe sits with Peter.
Joe reclines, eyes closed in front of his empty plate.
PETER
I gotta say it's nice to see you so
relaxed Joe.
JOE
Thanks Peter.
PETER
Hey my day with Cleveland is
tomorrow, do you think he'd like to
go to a Mexican lives matter rally?
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
25 -
Resurrection at the Rally
EXT. RALLY - PODIUM
A speaker at a podium addresses a crowd next to a picture of
Consuela. Subtitles to be included.
SPEAKER
Cuando la oficial la detuvo,
Consuela dice, 'no, no'.
(when the officer
pulled consuela over
she said 'no, no'.)
CROWD
(loud)
No, no!
SPEAKER
Cuando la oficial le disparo,
Consuela dice, 'no, no'.
(when the officer
shot consuela, she
said 'no, no'.)
CROWD
(loud)
No, no!
SPEAKER
Ahora, en el cielo, Consuela dice
'no, no'.
(now in heaven,
consuela says, 'no,
no'.)
CROWD
(loud)
No, no!
Aside the rally Consuela, not actually dead stands in
solidarity.
CONSUELA
No, no.
Speaker.
SPEAKER
(shocked)
Consuela. You are not dead.
CONSUELA
No, no. Is a lie. I really
pulling for big 'no, no'
resurgence. Someone has to pay for
diabetos college.
Genres:
["Comedy","Satire"]
Ratings
Scene
26 -
A New Beginning in the Writer's Room
INT. FOX LOT - WRITER'S ROOM - DAY
Brian enters the room where a few other staff writers and
producers are gathered.
BRIAN
Hey I'm Brian I just got staffed on
this show.
Jim, the show runner, a pale, thin white guy responds.
JIM
Hey Brian. Yes, you're going to be
our writer's assistant this season.
You'll be instrumental to the story
building process as a conduit
between all the writers and
producers, and helping to
physically write scenes and
sequences.
BRIAN
Okay, well this is a little
awkward. I thought I was going to
be a full-blown staff writer to
tell you the truth. But you know
what? It doesn't matter. I've
wanted to do this since before I
can remember and I'm going to be
here to work. You can count on me
Mr... sorry I spacing your name
right now, oh, so embarrassing...
JIM
It's Jim and that's a pretty big
red flag. But that's a great
attitude and I'm excited to get to
work with you.
BRIAN
As am I.
JIM
One other thing.
(MORE)
JIM (CONT'D)
As many words as you just said, try
not to double that before the end
of the day.
BRIAN
(cheeky)
Yes sir. Or should I just say
okay.
JIM
You should stop talking.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
27 -
Morning Plans in the Hotel Lobby
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - MORNING
Peter greets a groggy-eyed Cleveland with a cup of coffee.
PETER
Good morning, Cleveland. Here's
some coffee.
Cleveland sips the coffee gratefully.
CLEVELAND
It sure is nice having you show up
as a friend Peter. What are we
doing today?
PETER
Well I figured since you're a
mailman and have the calves of a
greek god we'd put them to work at
the running of the coke mules.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
28 -
Chase of the Absurd
EXT. MEXICAN CITY STREET - DAY
Cleveland flies down the road ahead of a squealing Peter.
CLEVELAND
Run Peter!
PETER
Ahh!
From around the corner comes a large procession of pimple
faced coke heads, with clenched butt cheeks, scratching
their faces and waddling after Cleveland and Peter.
COKE MULE 1
Sinus infections are a state of
mind!
COKE MULE 2
What do my parents expect if
they're gonna charge me rent?
Genres:
["Comedy","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
29 -
Breakfast and a Bumpy Flight
INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY - THE NEXT DAY
Peter stands with a tray of breakfast and drinks in the hall
knocking on Quagmire's door.
Quagmire opens the door, groggy eyed.
QUAGMIRE
Hey Peter.
PETER
Morning sleepy head. It's Quagmire
day.
Peter enters.
PETER (CONT'D)
I was thinking about some of the
nice things you've done for me over
the years and realized you've flown
me half way around the world. It's
time for me to give back.
QUAGMIRE
You want to take me for a plane
ride? You don't know how to fly a
plane.
PETER
How hard could it be? I've seen
you do it a hundred times,
sometimes without any hands.
QUAGMIRE
Okay. We'll try it. But if I have
to take over I'm not going to be
happy.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
30 -
From Flight to Philanthropy
INT. SMALL PLANE - LATER
Quagmire sits disgruntled at the wheel next to a sheepish
Peter.
PETER
I failed almost immediately.
EXT. AIR FIELD - LATER
Peter and Quagmire stand next to the plane.
PETER
Well that was a complete failure.
Fortunately I have a back-up plan.
(MORE)
PETER (CONT'D)
I know how philanthropic you are
Quagmire, so I've signed us up to
volunteer at a local charity event.
QUAGMIRE
What's the charity?
PETER
It's the homeless veteran, children
with rare and incurable diseases
and orphaned children, indigenous
rights, women's rights, trans
rights, volunteer firefighters,
rescue animals, general poverty,
human rights, equal opportunity in
employment, victims of domestic
abuse, mentall illness benefit
fund.
QUAGMIRE
Alright I'll go but I need to go
back to my room and change. I'll
meet you at the resort entrance in
30 minutes.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
31 -
Betrayal at the Resort
EXT. RESORT ENTRANCE - 25 MINUTES LATER
Peter stands looking at his watch.
PETER
It's hard to believe given
Quagmire's enthusiasm for today
that he too isn't 5 minutes early
to the meeting point.
A Mexican man with face tattoos and a large knife
approaches.
MEXICAN MAN
Hey can you lend me a hand? My car
ran out of gas just around the
corner and I need to push it off
the road.
PETER
Eh, sure. But I've only got 5
minutes.
MEXICAN MAN
That's fine. It's just right over
here.
Peter follows him. The man leads Peter around the corner
where a sack is thrown over Peters head and he is punched
and kicked into submission by a group of cartel members.
He eventually lays still.
PETER
Just throwing it out there. I will
not be much help moving the car
with this over my head.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
32 -
Late Night Reflections
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Brian types furiously at his laptop. Stewie sorts through
baseball trading cards.
STEWIE
Do you think I could be this guy?
You know, the baseball card guy?
Could I be him?
BRIAN
Will you please shut up Stewie.
I'm working on something really
important.
STEWIE
Face it Brian you're the bottom of
the totem pole. 90% of the work
output. 2% of the pay.
BRIAN
BRIAN (CONT'D)
You're right I am. But then again,
at least for once, I'm happy being
unhappy. Yeah I'm swamped right
now, but doing what? Doing what I
love and writing for the medium
I've always dreamed of being a part
of - television.
STEWIE
That's actually really nice to
hear. Good dog, Brian. Good dog.
BRIAN
Thank you. As far as I'm
concerned, this is doggy heaven.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
33 -
Elevator Escapades in Doggy Heaven
EXT. DOGGY HEAVEN
Two female poodles ride in an elevator of a giant dog filled
shopping mall.
POODLE 1
I thought I'd get bored here but
I've been pleasantly surprised.
Kibble anywhere, anytime. On
demand fetch. And no one's afraid
to say their actual favorite sex
position.
POODLE 2
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
POODLE 1
(together)
Missionary?
POODLE 2
(together)
Missionary?
POODLE 1
Exactly, screw his macho trip, I
want to make love.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
34 -
Desperate Negotiations
INT. CARTEL DWELLING
Peter sits hands tied behind a chair with the sack over his
head.
The sack is gruffly pulled off.
PETER
Please don't hurt me.
CARTEL LEADER
That will be up to your friends.
If they can pay the ransom we will
set you free.
PETER
What's the ransom?
CARTEL LEADER
A million dollars.
PETER
I don't know anyone with a million
dollars. There has to be some
other way.
CARTEL LEADER
Well, there is one other thing I
would accept. Do you have anyway
to get tickets to Taylor Swift's
upcoming concert? My daughter is a
huge fan, it would mean the world
to her.
PETER
I asked for another way, not a more
expensive way.
CARTEL LEADER
A million dollars it is, then.
He holds Peter's phone out in front of him.
CARTEL LEADER (CONT'D)
Who are we calling?
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
35 -
Contrasting Fates
INT. PEWTERSCHMIDT MANSION
Carter sips a mimosa in his hottub. His phone rings.
CARTER
Carter Pewterschmidt.
He listens.
CARTER (CONT'D)
Ha!
He hangs up.
INT. CARTEL DWELLING
The Cartel Leader stands over Peter.
CARTEL LEADER
You have one more chance.
Peter sweats.
Genres:
["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
36 -
Urgent Rescue: The Search for Quagmire
EXT. RESORT - POOLSIDE
Joe tans by the pool. His phone rings and he answers.
JOE
Hello?
He listens.
JOE (CONT'D)
Oh my god!
INT. HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER
Joe wheels top speed through the lobby towards the
elevators. The door opens and off steps Cleveland.
JOE
Cleveland! Where's Quagmire?
CLEVELAND
He's at a charity event for the
homeless veteran, children with
rare and incurable diseases and
orphaned children, indigenous
rights, women's rights, trans
rights, volunteer firefighters,
rescue animals, general poverty,
human rights, equal opportunity in
employment, victims of domestic
abuse, mentall illness benefit
fund. Why? What's going on?
JOE
Sort of seems like you could have
just said he's at a benefit.
Peter's been kidnapped! We have
two hours to come up with a million
dollars. We need to find Quagmire.
CLEVELAND
Why? He can't bail Peter out.
JOE
Actually Quagmire has plenty of
money ever since he invested in
double-dog dare you coin.
CLEVELAND
What's that?
JOE
It's a fringe cryptocurrency.
CLEVELAND
I still don't know what you're
talking about.
JOE
It's complete nonsense but the
point is he's got the money.
Genres:
["Comedy","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
37 -
Desperate Measures at the Charity Event
EXT. OUTDOOR CHARITY EVENT - LATER
Joe and Cleveland approach the charity event with a sign
that reads, 'welcome to the homeless veteran, children with
rare and incurable diseases and orphaned children,
indigenous rights, women's rights, trans rights, volunteer
firefighters, rescue animals, general poverty, human rights,
equal opportunity in employment, victims of domestic abuse,
mental illness benefit'
The event is attended by people representing all these
denominations.
CLEVELAND
Wow. I can't tell the gender of
anyone here.
JOE
Hey there's Quagmire.
Quagmire is helping a quadrapalegic kid in a wheelchair
shoot a basketball for a stuffed animal.
Quagmire shoots the ball for the kid. It bounces off the
rim.
Cleveland and Joe run up.
JOE (CONT'D)
Quagmire, Peter's been kidnapped!
We need you to sell some of your
double-dog dare you coin to pay the
ransom.
QUAGMIRE
I wish I could help but I traded
all of that for NFT's of cartoon
fish smoking cigarettes. As you
would imagine they are now
worthless.
CLEVELAND
Well we have to do something.
They'll kill Peter if we don't pay
the ransom.
JOE
The only thing we can do at this
point is alert the authorities. I
hate to say it, but this is Mexico.
Peter's fate is in God's hands now.
The guys stare up at the sun in wonder.
CLEVELAND
What's that smell?
QUAGMIRE
Enrique's been in that wheel chair
all day.
Genres:
["Comedy","Action","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
38 -
A Heartfelt Plea for Life
INT. CARTEL DWELLING
Peter sits terrified in his chair as the cartel leader and
his men converse. They look over at him. The leader
approaches.
CARTEL LEADER
Your friends have failed to supply
the ransom. We must now do as we
said we would and kill you. Do you
have any last words?
PETER
Well...just this. I was never much
of a good guy. I never really saw
the point. But just recently I
went through a change and I started
to show up for the people in my
life. I thought rationally for
once. And you know what? It was
the best thing I've ever done. I
was starting to make a difference
to the people I love and it felt
good. I guess what I'm trying to
say is it's strange that this
version of me is the one that's
finally running into a dead end.
The Peter from the past, he
would've deserved to end up here,
but not the guy I've resolved to be
for almost the last 60 hours. This
guy was in it for the right
reasons. I guess you can only
outrun your fate for so long.
Well, alright. I guess that's it.
I'm ready.
He closes his eyes and lowers his head. A long beat of
inaction. Peter opens his eyes.
The cartel leader and his men wipe tears from their eyes.
CARTEL LEADER
Peter, your words have moved me and
my men. In my life I have killed,
tortured, assaulted, kidnapped,
robbed, jumped, stabbed, shot and
maimed many men without any thought
or care. But never has one appealed
to me with such sense and goodness
in his heart. You are free to go.
He cuts the rope tying Peter's hands.
Genres:
["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]
Ratings
Scene
39 -
Edison Excitement
INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Brian and Stewie sit with popcorn, attention to the
television.
Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons wrap up the 6:30 news.
TOM
(on TV)
The fisherman is expected to make a
full recovery. The woman he
brutally assaulted is still in
critical condition. Diane.
DIANE
(on TV)
Next at 7, the premiere of a new
show about the life of famed
inventor and genius, Thomas
Edison...falling in love.
BRIAN
I can't believe it here we go.
ON TV: The screen darkens, then fades in on a wooden cabin.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
40 -
The Birth of Ambition
INT. WOOD CABIN
Edison's mother is giving birth. She narrates.
EDISON'S MOTHER (V.O.)
Thomas was our seventh child. He
came on the 11th of February.
You'd think after seven children
it'd have been an easy birth, but
just as Thomas would do for the
world, he shook my uterine tract up
something fierce that day.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM
Edison, as a young child, stands by the window. He stares
down at a candle and it's flame. He briefly touches the
fire, burning his finger.
EDISON
One day, I'll harness the power of
light without any need for fire.
TEACHER
Are you high again Edison?
EDISON
It's 1855, you got something better
to do?
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Biographical","Historical","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
41 -
The Dawn of Light
INT. EINSTEIN'S LAB
Edison stands amongst awed scientists as they look on to a
display of a lightbulb powering on for the first time.
EDISON'S MOTHER (V.O.)
And in that moment my son new he
had changed the world. Though he
had given us so much, he never
asked for a thing in return from
anybody. Which may have had
something to do with the fact that
he died worth a quarter billion of
today's dollars.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Biographical","Historical","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
42 -
Edison...in love
EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS
Edison strolls on a college campus.
EDISON'S MOTHER (V.O.)
But nothing could prepare my son-
Edison checks his watch and inadvertently bumps into a
younger woman who drops her books. Edison scrambles to make
ammends.
EDISON
I'm so sorry miss.
As they pick up the books their eyes meet.
EDISON'S MUSE
Do I know you from somewhere?
EDISON'S MOTHER (V.O.)
For the day he fell in love.
Edison stutters:.
EDISON
I-, I have no idea.
The screen fades to the closing title 'Edison...in love'.
Then credits roll.
OFF TV: In the living room, Stewie starts a slow clap.
STEWIE
Wow. B-ry-an. My f%$!#@! guy.
You know something Brian, I did not
want to like this show and already
I am cancelling pilates with Rupert
next week to see what happens next.
I mean, Bra-vo. Bravo Brian. You
must be proud.
BRIAN
Actually, I feel virtually nothing.
STEWIE
What do you mean?
BRIAN
I mean, I know exactly what I put
into this weeks scripts. I took
notes, I did research, I wrote
character outlines and short scenes
and...none of it came through in
that episode.
STEWIE
Well it takes time. Take it from
your show, Edison didn't invent the
lightbulb in a day.
BRIAN
I realize that but they took out
basically everything I contributed.
STEWIE
Brian the show is great. This is
your dream.
BRIAN
Not anymore. I can see now that
this whole career path is just a
rat race. I can do better.
STEWIE
You sure about that?
BRIAN
It's hard to say this but I think
I'm going to quit. I'll have to
think of a new and even bigger
dream. Like being 'America's next
dog model'.
A long beat.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
No cutaway?
STEWIE
Nah. This episode's running long
and we haven't done a fourth wall
thing in a while.
Genres:
["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
43 -
Reunion at the Resort
EXT. RESORT ENTRANCE - LATER
Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire sit dejected outside the resort
entrance.
CLEVELAND
I sure hope Peter is okay.
QUAGMIRE
Who are we kidding, he's low grade
dog food by now.
Cleveland weeps.
CLEVELAND
I miss my friend.
PETER (O.S.)
What ya crying about, Cleveland?
The guys look up. Peter approaches.
CLEVELAND
Peter!
The guys lather Peter in love.
JOE
Thank God you're alright.
QUAGMIRE
How'd you get away?
PETER
Well it's a little unbelievable but
what ended up happening was that
they let me go because they could
tell I was a good guy.
CLEVELAND
That's incredible.
PETER
I know. I can't believe it.
JOE
Good for you Peter. That's
wonderful. Now let's get back to
Quahog.
(MORE)
JOE (CONT'D)
I've been making accidentally
awkward eye-contact with that
resort worker over there and I
don't think it's appreciated.
People get the wrong impression
when they see the chairs.
The four guys walk together towards the horizon.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
44 -
Breakfast Revelations
INT. GRIFFIN KITCHEN
Peter sits at the table, eating breakfast with Brian.
PETER
I tell you Brian, this whole being
good thing is really working out
for me. Yesterday I manually
charged all the electric
wheelchairs at the old folks home
with potato batteries I made
volunteering at my kids school that
I paid for with funds from my new
non-profit that uses commissions on
recyclables to reinvest in the
community.
BRIAN
Wow, Peter. That was surprisingly
nice of you.
PETER
Then I helped a little girl build a
lemonade stand, except we still
needed her dad to help with the big
tools like the hammer.
BRIAN
Okay Peter, we need to talk.
PETER
(curiously)
About what, Brian?
BRIAN
This whole kindness charade you've
been putting on...it has to stop.
PETER
Charade? Brian, being a good
person saved my life. What kind of
a person would I be if I ignored
that?
BRIAN
Peter, you once gave meg a toaster
to use as a flotation device in the
bathtub. Let's not pretend you're
suddenly the patron saint of
Quahog. It's not like I'm saying
this because I'm perfect either. I
just got my dream job and I had to
give it up because nothing is ever
good enough for me. That's just
who I am.
PETER
Well, then who am I?
BRIAN
You're the guy one rung above the
alcoholic uncle who flashes
bartenders at the family reunion,
and one rung below Cardi B.
PETER
I guess you're right, Brian. I got
carried away.
BRIAN
It's okay Peter. We love you just
the way you are.
PETER
Thanks, Brian. From now on, I'm
back to my old ways.
Meg enters.
PETER (CONT'D)
Hey Meg your shoes untied.
Meg looks down and Peter farts in her face.
Peter, Meg and Brian laugh in unison.
BRIAN
It's good to have you back.
Stewie enters.
STEWIE
Well, well, well, another episode
where Meg and Chris barely got a
word in. Poor form, writers, poor
form.
Genres:
["Comedy","Family"]
Ratings
Scene
45 -
The Golden Key
INT. NOAH THE NEW WRITER'S APARTMENT
Noah types the last line out, 'poor form.' and gazes at it
satisfied. He clicks print on the screenwriting
application.
The pages begin to pour out of his printer.
Noah picks up the script. The title page stares back at
him. 'FAMILY GUY SPEC: THE FOURTH WALL.'
An overpowering white light begins to immerse him and his
apartment.
INT. ALL WHITE SPACE
Marble floors and pillars throughout, the space looks like
it could belong to God.
Noah stands there alone. Footsteps approach. It's Seth
McFarlane.
NOAH
Seth McFarlane? Wow! What are you
doing here?
SETH
I came here for you, Noah. You did
it.
NOAH
Did what?
SETH
You wrote the perfect episode of
family guy.
NOAH
What? I mean, are you sure? The
whole fourth wall thing, I know
it's not for everyone.
SETH
(interrupting)
Noah, noah. No. Listen, the whole
new writer, ongoing, intertextual,
thing, it just worked. It was
great. Lots of people attempt what
you did here. But for all the
jokes and adherence to formal
convention do you know where they
fall short?
Noah taps his chest.
SETH (CONT'D)
That's right. Heart.
NOAH
Oh cool. Well thanks man, that
means a lot.
SETH
There's more.
Seth pulls a Golden Key out of his pocket.
NOAH
What is that?
SETH
I want you to be the next show
runner for Family Guy.
NOAH
No way.
SETH
Noah, you don't understand your own
power just yet. But take the key.
Run my show.
NOAH
I can't believe it. I just wish my
mom was here. Alright. I'll do
it. I'll run Family Guy.
Noah takes the key. Alarms blare. He falls through a trap
door.